You ever wake up one morning and realize that everything you thought you knew about yourself was wrong? I totally had one of those moments today.
The thing is, I think I know about me...I'm a single mom, waitress, grad student, ex-wife, best friend, daughter, sister, etc., but the problem is that those things aren't really who I am, and I have no clue where to begin looking for the things that make me, well, me.
I am wishy-washy. That's a start anyway. I know that about myself, that I can't make a decision and stick with it to save my life. I love to read and cook, but I don't think those are really things that define me, just hobbies I like to do. I am interested in everything: but that just takes us back to me being wishy-washy. It's a vicious circle, this whole "finding myself" thing.
I think when I started running, I figured that it could be something that was part of who I am. I could be a runner, and if I was successful, I would be a skinny runner, lol, unlike I am now, which is a fat girl running. :) That isn't really working out though--I love running, don't get me wrong. And I know what I need to do to get skinny. But this still doesn't make me who I am. I also thought I was ready to date, and I was wrong there also. I am so out of it and beyond that I am scared to get involved with anyone at all, for the fear of things unknown--and for the fear of being unkempt and not together, two things that I know I am at the moment.
I ran the farthest I've ever gone today, 2.6+ miles, which is huge for me. And I was thinking during that time several things: 1. I have no idea where I'm headed. 2. That I have no idea what I want. 3. 1 & 2 scare me.
1. I have no idea where I'm headed. I've jumped into everything I've ever done. And while that's a quality I don't necessarily like in myself, it's been a fun (albeit crazy, highly stressful, and mostly nonsuccessful) ride. But where am I going? I'm scared. I jumped into graduate school, using as an excuse that I needed to get ahead of the game, broaden my horizons, and open myself up to greater possibilities. All that did was stress me out, put me back in school after I had just finished, and open up more opportunities for me to be scared and stressed out about. I have my bag packed, but there's no destination and I'm scared.
2. I have no clue what I want. I'm a hot mess, to say the least. My bills are paid, most of my debt is paid off, and we do okay, but there's always that nagging voice in the back of my head that says "Janille, you have to get it together. You need to pick a spot and get there. What do you want out of life?" I don't know. Do I want to be a forensic psychologist? Do I want to do something entirely different? Do I want to go back and start over--get the degree I was supposed to get in the first place, and teach English? I want to have fun, watch my children grow and experience things I have yet to experience. I want to work a job I love going to everyday, not just take some crummy job because it pays more: money doesn't buy happiness. And yes, there are three nights a week I don't get to tuck my kids in, but I never miss a football game, am there for field trips, Awana awards, and reading to each kid. I want to show them that hard work gets you where you want to go, and that dreams are possible. But first I need to figure out what my dream is.
3. This. All of this that I wrote above. It scares the total crap out of me. I am lost. Yes, I believe in God, and I know that a lot of my friends would say that He will provide the path for me.....but I am more of a quiet faith girl. I can see where that is true, but I also know that He isn't just going to hand everything I need to me. I have to provide a framework for the things I want, and I have to work for it. The framework is the problem. I have a good base going, but no where to go with it, and no destination that I'm pointing to.
This is something I definitely need to get started on....this "framework" of how I want my life to play out. I'm not naive, I know that just because I want it doesn't make it so, and there'll be road bumps and sideswipes and forks in the road, but if I can focus on the end result it should make things easier. My race day is 13 days away, my anxiety is up, but my eyes are already on the finish line and what it'll feel like to get it done. Hopefully I can apply this same strategy to my life....and keep my eyes on the prize.