Sunday, May 27, 2012

Changing the Goals

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, and it seems that my goals are not as detailed as they need to be. I set out this year to run a 5k, and I did that. I also have another on June 16th, and I'm doing my first night run on August 18th, so that'll be really cool! I also set out to lose 45 lbs this year also, and in the last three months, I've lost 5. 5lbs. Everyone keeps saying "muscle weighs more than fat." Yes, muscle mass is different, so the weight is going to be different and it'll seem like I'm not losing anything. But that doesn't mean it makes me feel better.
Okay, so granted, I can run three miles. I can do 30 jumping jacks. I can go 35 minutes on an elliptical machine. I can also do a 15 second plank, and 20 reverse crunches. But I've only lost 5 lbs! Grrrr.
Therefore I'm going to go about this differently. I need to come up with a set of goals that are detailed, specific, and to the point. Because I don't mind weighing 200 lbs, if I look and feel great. (Granted, I probably won't weight that much if I look and feel great, but still.) Weight is just a number, and I have to remember that there are other things going on with my body that are just as much of a good tracker as others.

So here goes...
1. I want to lose 23 lbs by Halloween. Although this is the first goal, it's certainly not the most important. I don't want to focus on that number, but I'm hoping it'll help me stay on track a little bit.
2. I want to get down to a size 12 by the end of the year--if it happens sooner, than even better!! But I am refusing to buy any new clothes until I am a size 12, so if I don't get there fast, guess I will be wearing sweats and tshirts to everything. (This also means that I am shooting for losing 10 inches off my waist--that's a HUGE GOAL!)
3. I want to be able to do 15 regular push ups. Right now I do the modified version and I want to do the real deal.
4. I want to be training for a 10k by my birthday--which means I have to push harder to get rid of weight so I can run better. Sweet!

Four goals, for now. Getting there is going to be difficult if I don't have a reason for doing them. So here goes my motivation for this whole thing...
Skinny people look good in clothes; Fit people look good naked. I want to be able to look at myself and be proud of my body. I want to know that I am teaching my children that while being overweight doesn't make you any less of a person or that there's anything wrong with those people, that we still want to take pride in our bodies, do our part to stay healthy and keep active. I also want to know that I'm doing everything I can to resist bad things happening in my body: disease, sickness and other issues, that can be prevented or at least avoided as much as possible by keeping a healthy lifestyle.

Well, there we have it. New goals, and my reasons for doing so. Even if they seem a tad in vain, I don't mind. It's my body and my life I'm getting under control. Bring. It. On.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

I Finished My First 5k

My brother and his wife (and my adorable niece) joined me yesterday in Liberty MO to run my first 5k, which we finished in good time. I came in at 41 minutes, 12 seconds, 51st out of 74, and an average time of 13:19 per mile.
1. I felt like I failed myself. Granted, I finished, and yes, that's all that matters. BUT, I didn't run the whole thing like I wanted to. We took off too quickly in the beginning and kept that quick pace for a while, not slowing down soon enough. I also didn't warm up like I normally do. So, I walked about .2 mi of it right toward the end--when I was positive that if I kept going I would puke. Not good. My brother (who ran a full marathon last summer) and I did run across the finish line, however, so that was cool.
2. This has been one of my goals for awhile, so now that's it's over, I feel like I have to get right back up and do more...get a better time, run the entire thing, go for a longer distance, whatever it may be. That makes me feel like this first one wasn't good enough either.
3. I was kind of bummed that my kids didn't get to see me do it. This is no one's fault by any means. I am really truly grateful to Matt and Samantha for driving all this way to do it with me, and I probably would have stayed at home if it hadn't been for them. But the kids were so excited to see if I had "won," that I can't wait for them to be at the next one.

I should not by any means be upset with myself, but I still am. I think that if I had been better at eating, I would have been skinnier and that would have helped me run. I think that if I had just worked harder, or ran more, or done more hills, I could have finished it all. Woulda, coulda, shoulda, right?

I am taking the advice of my dear friend, and telling myself that I did it. I went out and I ran a 5k. That was the goal. And I accomplished it. So, no reason to be upset or mad at myself. Those woulda coulda and shouldas, I can turn into new goals, and new accomplishments. I can take those things that I think I should have done, be more specific in my goals, and just start a new "mission."

Holly and I have 28 days until our upcoming 5k in Kansas City. The kids will be there, so that'll be cool. I know I can cut some weight before maybe 5-6 pounds can be my goal for that, and any amount of weight off is definitely going to help. I am going to work on my stride and my hills over the next four weeks, so that I can finish in good time without feeling like I'm going to die. I'm going to do another 5k, and do it that much better. My brother told me that I can do anything, and everything that I do will help me get to my goal, and I know that's the truth.

I finished my first 5k!

Monday, May 7, 2012

Eyes on the Prize: following up super fast!

It's funny how things can change from one day to the next. I realize (after talking to a great friend at length) that I am not defined by specific things or names, that I am not defined by what I do or who I will become, but by the things that make me up as a person. I am Janille, and all the awesome (or awful, lol!) things that go with that.
I am a mother. I am a single mother at that, and I am a good mom. I have two beautiful children, who are the light of my world. That means that however selfish I've been in the past, I put others before me now. I try very hard to make sure everyone has the best possible situation they can, and will do anything I can to help do that for them.
I am a waitress. While I don't have the best job in the world, and most of the time I don't like what I do, I know that there are things within that job that are me: I am helpful, smiling and caring. I do my best to do what I can when I can. And I have an incredibly good work ethic.
I am wishy-washy. This is one of my greatest faults. But this can also be a good thing. While it means that I can't make a decision to save my life, it also means that I am interested in everything and constantly wanting to learn more about everything I come across.
I am a Christian. While my faith is small and meek, I know that God is watching out for me. I am quiet in my faith, not sure how I feel about it, but knowing that church is important to me, and that it is where I belong. It isn't always how involved we are, but just following a path that makes the most of our efforts.
I struggle with weight loss. I am addicted to food, every kind of food there is. I love to bake, cook and create in the kitchen, but this is a burden when I am wanting to figure out what to eat to curb my cravings, and how to stop without going overboard. This is a problem I have been dealing with for a while.
I am a runner. However short lived this little venture is, for now I am a runner. I am giving my all, running at least 4 or 5 days a week, sometimes 2 miles, sometimes 3. I love it. I love the freedom and the ability to be alone with my thoughts--I get to work out that anxiety WHILE I am burning off the adrenaline from it.

Do I know where I am headed? Nope! Not a clue. But there is a list of things I want to do:
1. I want to lose weight.
2. I want to write a book. (Maybe this whole grad school thing was meant for me to be able to write said book with some credibility!)
3. I want to take a trip with my kids: just me and my kids. I have an irrational fear of losing my children that I need to overcome.
4. I want to meet someone that compliments who I am. I want to find someone who makes an effort to be with me. I am not actively looking, but I am available. One of my besties pointed out that I can't find anyone if I am closed off.
5. I want to live in a house. I don't necessarily need to own a home, but at least have some place we can start a garden, call our own, have a backyard, maybe even a deck.
6. I want to have a rewarding career. Not just some job I take because it makes more money. What good is busting my rear to get an education just to do another job I hate? No good at all!

That being said, I guess I do feel a lot better about things. Just a conversation with a couple of amazing friends, and I feel like I am more than what I thought I was. I understand more of what defines me and makes me "tick." Will I ever feel like I know exactly who I am? No, but I need to make sure I know what I am after in life before I take anything else on. :)

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Eyes on the Prize

You ever wake up one morning and realize that everything you thought you knew about yourself was wrong? I totally had one of those moments today.
The thing is, I think I know about me...I'm a single mom, waitress, grad student, ex-wife, best friend, daughter, sister, etc., but the problem is that those things aren't really who I am, and I have no clue where to begin looking for the things that make me, well, me.
I am wishy-washy. That's a start anyway. I know that about myself, that I can't make a decision and stick with it to save my life. I love to read and cook, but I don't think those are really things that define me, just hobbies I like to do. I am interested in everything: but that just takes us back to me being wishy-washy. It's a vicious circle, this whole "finding myself" thing.
I think when I started running, I figured that it could be something that was part of who I am. I could be a runner, and if I was successful, I would be a skinny runner, lol, unlike I am now, which is a fat girl running. :)  That isn't really working out though--I love running, don't get me wrong. And I know what I need to do to get skinny. But this still doesn't make me who I am.  I also thought I was ready to date, and I was wrong there also. I am so out of it and beyond that I am scared to get involved with anyone at all, for the fear of things unknown--and for the fear of being unkempt and not together, two things that I know I am at the moment.
I ran the farthest I've ever gone today, 2.6+ miles, which is huge for me. And I was thinking during that time several things: 1. I have no idea where I'm headed. 2. That I have no idea what I want. 3. 1 & 2 scare me.

1. I have no idea where I'm headed. I've jumped into everything I've ever done. And while that's a quality I don't necessarily like in myself, it's been a fun (albeit crazy, highly stressful, and mostly nonsuccessful) ride. But where am I going? I'm scared. I jumped into graduate school, using as an excuse that I needed to get ahead of the game, broaden my horizons, and open myself up to greater possibilities. All that did was stress me out, put me back in school after I had just finished, and open up more opportunities for me to be scared and stressed out about. I have my bag packed, but there's no destination and I'm scared.

2. I have no clue what I want. I'm a hot mess, to say the least. My bills are paid, most of my debt is paid off, and we do okay, but there's always that nagging voice in the back of my head that says "Janille, you have to get it together. You need to pick a spot and get there. What do you  want out of life?" I don't know. Do I want to be a forensic psychologist? Do I want to do something entirely different? Do I want to go back and start over--get the degree I was supposed to get in the first place, and teach English? I want to have fun, watch my children grow and experience things I have yet to experience. I want to work a job I love going to everyday, not just take some crummy job because it pays more: money doesn't buy happiness. And yes, there are three nights a week I don't get to tuck my kids in, but I never miss a football game, am there for field trips, Awana awards, and reading to each kid. I want to show them that hard work gets you where you want to go, and that dreams are possible. But first I need to figure out what my dream is.

3. This. All of this that I wrote above. It scares the total crap out of me. I am lost. Yes, I believe in God, and I know that a lot of my friends would say that He will provide the path for me.....but I am more of a quiet faith girl. I can see where that is true, but I also know that He isn't just going to hand everything I need to me. I have to provide a framework for the things I want, and I have to work for it. The framework is the problem. I have a good base going, but no where to go with it, and no destination that I'm pointing to.

This is something I definitely need to get started on....this "framework" of how I want my life to play out. I'm not naive, I know that just because I want it doesn't make it so, and there'll be road bumps and sideswipes and forks in the road, but if I can focus on the end result it should make things easier. My race day is 13 days away, my anxiety is up, but my eyes are already on the finish line and what it'll feel like to get it done. Hopefully I can apply this same strategy to my life....and keep my eyes on the prize.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

In Battle...

I finally scheduled a time with my personal trainer. My legs are too tired to continue running without working them with weight training. so next Wednesday at 3 pm, I will officially be getting my butt handed to me by a college boy. :)

But this is just half the battle.

This whole venture isn't just about the weight for me. For me, it's about my health. Women who are overweight are more likely to end up with breast cancer. Breast cancer is a family member on my mom's side. I am also at risk for cervical cancer because of some other issues and problems I have had. I can't imagine that being overweight makes those easier or less risk. If I ever wanted (Lord help me for saying this!) another child, I don't think I am in any shape to get pregnant or be pregnant. I want to run this 5k in a couple of weeks. While I am sure that I can DO it, I'm not sure I can do it without passing out at the end. I only ran this morning for a 10 minute period, and then a 5 minute period. Granted, my body is overly tired at this point, and I took an extra day off, which I shouldn't have done. But still. I got to get in it, or this is never going to happen.

In addition to the long run health benefits, there are also lots of smaller ones: my kids, for example. I not only want to show them what benefits being health has (which I am sure I've mentioned before in several of my posts), but I also want to show them about hard work and staying motivated--something I have always had a hard time with for some reason. My family has always been active: my dad worked out for most of my life as much as I can remember, and my mom roller-bladed for exercise, still does to my knowledge. We ate pretty healthy, never being allowed to eat massive quantities of anything, or being encouraged to overeat. My parents showed me what a healthy lifestyle was about: simplicity, good food, and staying active. And I want that for my children as well.

Also, the other day I posted about perspective and priorities...after long and careful thought, this is what I came up with:
1. God--He has to come first, because I need to be able to give over my burdens at a moment's notice, I need to know that I am loved no matter what I do, and I need for Him to take me the places He has planned for me.
2. My kids and family. (This is really like 1.1, not 2, lol.) My family and children are the most important things I have in life. Now, when I say family, I am also including the people in my life that have become my family: Jennie, Lisa, Holly (and the gang!), Mary, Angi, April, etc. This is my support system and I need to be there for them no matter what.
3. Time management. I need to focus on making sure we get to where we are going on time, with everything that we need. I need to make "To Do" lists, and to use my planner so we always know what's going on. The kids deserve my time too. Anymore, we have gotten to a point where they watch TV while I make dinner, then we eat, then they watch TV while I clean, etc. I need to make it a point to have them in the kitchen with me while I'm cooking, helping me set the table, helping clean up, working on homework together, reading together, etc.
4. Food. My biggest battle in my health is my addiction to food and binge-eating. I need to make sure we are eating healthy, home-cooked meals, and as fresh as possible. If we are extra busy one week, then it might be easier to take foods out of the pantry to cook, and that's okay every now and again. But as much as I am able to make fresh meals, I will.
5. Exercise. Getting out to exercise (mainly to run) has not been an issue. I actually love running. I love to exercise--I feel a lot less stressed, I sleep better, and my mind is clearer, all things that feel fantastic. But I have to make sure I stay on it. I can't get to where I want without it. I have too much extra weight in weird places to skip it.
6.School and housework. Generally, these two are not an issue. Although, I need to make sure that they both get done--and especially my schoolwork before the due date, lol. I am terrible about waiting til the last minute and turning something in.

It may seem like a lot but its a start. Hopefully I can begin to implement these ideas quickly and get a handle on things, so that everything is just that much easier.

Monday, April 16, 2012


One of my bestest friends, Holly, made a really good point today that perspective and balance are key in this race of dieting and health.  Both of us (she and I are accountability partners) did not do well in the eating department in the last couple of days. Therefore, I also need to work on balance: this will be my next step.

What does the Bible say about balance in our lives? Ecclesiastes 3:1: "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..." We must allow ourselves to remember that in moderation, specific things are okay: there is a time for everything.  We must remember that going off the diet every now and again is okay. "A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them; a time to embrace and a time to refrain." (Eccles. 3:4-5.)  Small doses, small portions, small amounts, are okay, as long as we don't overdo it.

Additionally, this has to carry over to the rest of my life: to football, soccer practices, swim lessons, homework, meal planning, grocery shopping, work, fun, food....the list goes on....I need to figure out what my priorities are, based on perspective and the ability to balance those priorities.  For example, does good eating come before having a good time with the kids: well, of course not.  But then taking them into the kitchen should be a priority, so we can spend time together and eat well at the same time.

This will probably take some time...and I am definitely open to suggestions.  I may work on making a list tonight and then posting it tomorrow.  I would love to have some input! Thanks in advance!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

"If God made it..."

I am re-reading Reshaping It All by Candace Cameron Bure, and one of the things I love about this book is her take on food: "If God made it, and man didn't fix it up, it's healthy, so eat it." (Paraphrased, since the book isn't in front of me, but you get the idea.) My mother has been immensely inspiring to me lately as well. She is following her love of cooking as far as she can, as best as she can, for as long as she can: and totally cooking as fresh as she can in the process. "If God made it..."

That being said, I'm inspired. I have a loaf of bread rising on the oven. A roast (seasoned from the cupboard and not from a packet--although, hopefully soon, I will be seasoning from the containers on the counter!) in the crockpot, with red potatoes and carrots, cooking away for dinner! We are going to make our own butter. We are going to make our own granola bars. I think I am going to try this again, my whole natural diet thing. I realized recently (after a suggestion from my sister-in-law and brother) that I can drink organic milk without being sick. So I am not lactose intolerant. It has something to do with the processing of it. Oh, well, better for me, and Audrey loves it too. (Eli's not the biggest fan, but I'm working on it, hehehe.) Again, "If God made it..."

So I'm trading in the crystal light for regular water for a while. Going to try to give up soda, maybe have the occasional coffee, because I don't think the caffeine and I can part ways just yet.  We are already growing our own veggies in containers out front, so if that goes well, I can hopefully just bring it inside and grow them year round--but that of course is dependent on how green out thumbs are. :) But hey, "If God made it..."

I'm trying to live up the scale, trying to let go of that little late night "secret" of mine, and get back to solid, healthier lifestyle. I want my kids to experience how things are supposed to taste before man got a hold in it with his preservatives....of course, we can't do this 100%, because there are some things I can't grow on my own or make on my own. But darnit, I can try! This is going to be my second goal after letting go of the secretive part of my life: to try and eat as naturally as possible, for me, for the kids, and for our future.

"If God made it, and man didn't fix it up..."

Thursday, April 12, 2012

My Biggest Secret

So, here I am, blogging again.  One year later.  Still overweight, still in school, still overeating...blah blah blah.

The problem isn't that I can't lose weight, it's that I don't lost weight. I am consumed by the fact that I don't lose weight as fast as I think I should, or even as steady as I think I should.  For that matter, I've been running for about two months now, and still have yet to lose a pound and keep it off.  One would think that losing a pound wouldn't be that hard, considering how hard I'm working to keep it off, right? But the running isn't the issue.  As a matter of fact, exercising isn't the issue.  My state of mind is.

Now, we all have little secrets. Deep, dark, nasty little sins that we do in private.  I spend my days at work fearful that I will get to be as big as some of my guests: spending my days eating anything "all you can eat" that I can get my hands on, and then eventually having to ride the mart cart at the grocery store because I can't physically walk through without getting out of breath, or worse.  I look at those people and think "how did you let yourself get this big?" The problem with answering that question of course is that I have to come face to face with the fact that I am doing it right now: I am a binge eater.  After the kids are in bed, and the lights are mostly out, I spend my evening shoving my face full of food. I eat until I am almost sick to my stomach, and on several occasions have resisted the urge to purge it all.  I feel like I have no control over this.  I feel like I am too lonely to do anything about it, too prideful to ask for help, and to sad to follow up with any help that would be given.  The thing is, I do this to myself.  That's how people (me included!) let themselves get so big.  They let go of anything that is real and convince themselves that eating makes them feel better.  They tell themselves that no one really cares if they are that big, and let themselves go.

In my situation, I tell myself that God doesn't really care how big I get, and that I am beautiful in his eyes no matter what.  And while that is the case, I should also be aware that He gave me this body to take care of, to cherish, to hold at a high standard during my time on earth.  I should also remember that gluttony is a sin. It is my secret sin, my personal sin.  I cannot look at any other human and judge them--especially for those that are in the same boat as me.  Who's calling the kettle black now, right?  I also tell myself that no one else cares what I do to my body: my family, friends, or my kids.  But what am I saying about our relationship in letting myself go? I am telling them that I don't really care about my time with them on Earth, and that to me it doesn't matter how long we have together--as long as I can get that next meal, that next snack, that next donut.  But that isn't true! I want to be with them as long as I can!

I want to be free of this, which is why I am finally "coming clean." Sin is personal, it is something that we deal with on our own, something we each carry around inside us.  Whether it is about weight loss, alcohol or treating others terrible, it doesn't matter.  We each have that secret that we carry within us.  I need to get rid of mine.  I need to have my hand held, for someone to say "it's okay that you do this, but I want to help you do better," for God to fill me with His spirit, so that I can overcome a potentially disastrous situation and get control of this body God gave to me.

So, in letting out my secret, I am letting go of this issue. The first step is done. I have given it over. And now, I pray.
Dear Lord,
Please let your peace and love fill me, fill that void that I have allowed food to take over.  Please bless those who have to deal with me, my judgement, my sin and my anger.  Please let my family and friends know that I am trying, trying to be of a cleaner heart and mind, and that I am not a lost cause, because I have You to guide me.