Thursday, April 19, 2012

In Battle...

I finally scheduled a time with my personal trainer. My legs are too tired to continue running without working them with weight training. so next Wednesday at 3 pm, I will officially be getting my butt handed to me by a college boy. :)

But this is just half the battle.

This whole venture isn't just about the weight for me. For me, it's about my health. Women who are overweight are more likely to end up with breast cancer. Breast cancer is a family member on my mom's side. I am also at risk for cervical cancer because of some other issues and problems I have had. I can't imagine that being overweight makes those easier or less risk. If I ever wanted (Lord help me for saying this!) another child, I don't think I am in any shape to get pregnant or be pregnant. I want to run this 5k in a couple of weeks. While I am sure that I can DO it, I'm not sure I can do it without passing out at the end. I only ran this morning for a 10 minute period, and then a 5 minute period. Granted, my body is overly tired at this point, and I took an extra day off, which I shouldn't have done. But still. I got to get in it, or this is never going to happen.

In addition to the long run health benefits, there are also lots of smaller ones: my kids, for example. I not only want to show them what benefits being health has (which I am sure I've mentioned before in several of my posts), but I also want to show them about hard work and staying motivated--something I have always had a hard time with for some reason. My family has always been active: my dad worked out for most of my life as much as I can remember, and my mom roller-bladed for exercise, still does to my knowledge. We ate pretty healthy, never being allowed to eat massive quantities of anything, or being encouraged to overeat. My parents showed me what a healthy lifestyle was about: simplicity, good food, and staying active. And I want that for my children as well.

Also, the other day I posted about perspective and priorities...after long and careful thought, this is what I came up with:
1. God--He has to come first, because I need to be able to give over my burdens at a moment's notice, I need to know that I am loved no matter what I do, and I need for Him to take me the places He has planned for me.
2. My kids and family. (This is really like 1.1, not 2, lol.) My family and children are the most important things I have in life. Now, when I say family, I am also including the people in my life that have become my family: Jennie, Lisa, Holly (and the gang!), Mary, Angi, April, etc. This is my support system and I need to be there for them no matter what.
3. Time management. I need to focus on making sure we get to where we are going on time, with everything that we need. I need to make "To Do" lists, and to use my planner so we always know what's going on. The kids deserve my time too. Anymore, we have gotten to a point where they watch TV while I make dinner, then we eat, then they watch TV while I clean, etc. I need to make it a point to have them in the kitchen with me while I'm cooking, helping me set the table, helping clean up, working on homework together, reading together, etc.
4. Food. My biggest battle in my health is my addiction to food and binge-eating. I need to make sure we are eating healthy, home-cooked meals, and as fresh as possible. If we are extra busy one week, then it might be easier to take foods out of the pantry to cook, and that's okay every now and again. But as much as I am able to make fresh meals, I will.
5. Exercise. Getting out to exercise (mainly to run) has not been an issue. I actually love running. I love to exercise--I feel a lot less stressed, I sleep better, and my mind is clearer, all things that feel fantastic. But I have to make sure I stay on it. I can't get to where I want without it. I have too much extra weight in weird places to skip it.
6.School and housework. Generally, these two are not an issue. Although, I need to make sure that they both get done--and especially my schoolwork before the due date, lol. I am terrible about waiting til the last minute and turning something in.

It may seem like a lot but its a start. Hopefully I can begin to implement these ideas quickly and get a handle on things, so that everything is just that much easier.

Monday, April 16, 2012


One of my bestest friends, Holly, made a really good point today that perspective and balance are key in this race of dieting and health.  Both of us (she and I are accountability partners) did not do well in the eating department in the last couple of days. Therefore, I also need to work on balance: this will be my next step.

What does the Bible say about balance in our lives? Ecclesiastes 3:1: "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..." We must allow ourselves to remember that in moderation, specific things are okay: there is a time for everything.  We must remember that going off the diet every now and again is okay. "A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them; a time to embrace and a time to refrain." (Eccles. 3:4-5.)  Small doses, small portions, small amounts, are okay, as long as we don't overdo it.

Additionally, this has to carry over to the rest of my life: to football, soccer practices, swim lessons, homework, meal planning, grocery shopping, work, fun, food....the list goes on....I need to figure out what my priorities are, based on perspective and the ability to balance those priorities.  For example, does good eating come before having a good time with the kids: well, of course not.  But then taking them into the kitchen should be a priority, so we can spend time together and eat well at the same time.

This will probably take some time...and I am definitely open to suggestions.  I may work on making a list tonight and then posting it tomorrow.  I would love to have some input! Thanks in advance!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

"If God made it..."

I am re-reading Reshaping It All by Candace Cameron Bure, and one of the things I love about this book is her take on food: "If God made it, and man didn't fix it up, it's healthy, so eat it." (Paraphrased, since the book isn't in front of me, but you get the idea.) My mother has been immensely inspiring to me lately as well. She is following her love of cooking as far as she can, as best as she can, for as long as she can: and totally cooking as fresh as she can in the process. "If God made it..."

That being said, I'm inspired. I have a loaf of bread rising on the oven. A roast (seasoned from the cupboard and not from a packet--although, hopefully soon, I will be seasoning from the containers on the counter!) in the crockpot, with red potatoes and carrots, cooking away for dinner! We are going to make our own butter. We are going to make our own granola bars. I think I am going to try this again, my whole natural diet thing. I realized recently (after a suggestion from my sister-in-law and brother) that I can drink organic milk without being sick. So I am not lactose intolerant. It has something to do with the processing of it. Oh, well, better for me, and Audrey loves it too. (Eli's not the biggest fan, but I'm working on it, hehehe.) Again, "If God made it..."

So I'm trading in the crystal light for regular water for a while. Going to try to give up soda, maybe have the occasional coffee, because I don't think the caffeine and I can part ways just yet.  We are already growing our own veggies in containers out front, so if that goes well, I can hopefully just bring it inside and grow them year round--but that of course is dependent on how green out thumbs are. :) But hey, "If God made it..."

I'm trying to live up the scale, trying to let go of that little late night "secret" of mine, and get back to solid, healthier lifestyle. I want my kids to experience how things are supposed to taste before man got a hold in it with his preservatives....of course, we can't do this 100%, because there are some things I can't grow on my own or make on my own. But darnit, I can try! This is going to be my second goal after letting go of the secretive part of my life: to try and eat as naturally as possible, for me, for the kids, and for our future.

"If God made it, and man didn't fix it up..."

Thursday, April 12, 2012

My Biggest Secret

So, here I am, blogging again.  One year later.  Still overweight, still in school, still overeating...blah blah blah.

The problem isn't that I can't lose weight, it's that I don't lost weight. I am consumed by the fact that I don't lose weight as fast as I think I should, or even as steady as I think I should.  For that matter, I've been running for about two months now, and still have yet to lose a pound and keep it off.  One would think that losing a pound wouldn't be that hard, considering how hard I'm working to keep it off, right? But the running isn't the issue.  As a matter of fact, exercising isn't the issue.  My state of mind is.

Now, we all have little secrets. Deep, dark, nasty little sins that we do in private.  I spend my days at work fearful that I will get to be as big as some of my guests: spending my days eating anything "all you can eat" that I can get my hands on, and then eventually having to ride the mart cart at the grocery store because I can't physically walk through without getting out of breath, or worse.  I look at those people and think "how did you let yourself get this big?" The problem with answering that question of course is that I have to come face to face with the fact that I am doing it right now: I am a binge eater.  After the kids are in bed, and the lights are mostly out, I spend my evening shoving my face full of food. I eat until I am almost sick to my stomach, and on several occasions have resisted the urge to purge it all.  I feel like I have no control over this.  I feel like I am too lonely to do anything about it, too prideful to ask for help, and to sad to follow up with any help that would be given.  The thing is, I do this to myself.  That's how people (me included!) let themselves get so big.  They let go of anything that is real and convince themselves that eating makes them feel better.  They tell themselves that no one really cares if they are that big, and let themselves go.

In my situation, I tell myself that God doesn't really care how big I get, and that I am beautiful in his eyes no matter what.  And while that is the case, I should also be aware that He gave me this body to take care of, to cherish, to hold at a high standard during my time on earth.  I should also remember that gluttony is a sin. It is my secret sin, my personal sin.  I cannot look at any other human and judge them--especially for those that are in the same boat as me.  Who's calling the kettle black now, right?  I also tell myself that no one else cares what I do to my body: my family, friends, or my kids.  But what am I saying about our relationship in letting myself go? I am telling them that I don't really care about my time with them on Earth, and that to me it doesn't matter how long we have together--as long as I can get that next meal, that next snack, that next donut.  But that isn't true! I want to be with them as long as I can!

I want to be free of this, which is why I am finally "coming clean." Sin is personal, it is something that we deal with on our own, something we each carry around inside us.  Whether it is about weight loss, alcohol or treating others terrible, it doesn't matter.  We each have that secret that we carry within us.  I need to get rid of mine.  I need to have my hand held, for someone to say "it's okay that you do this, but I want to help you do better," for God to fill me with His spirit, so that I can overcome a potentially disastrous situation and get control of this body God gave to me.

So, in letting out my secret, I am letting go of this issue. The first step is done. I have given it over. And now, I pray.
Dear Lord,
Please let your peace and love fill me, fill that void that I have allowed food to take over.  Please bless those who have to deal with me, my judgement, my sin and my anger.  Please let my family and friends know that I am trying, trying to be of a cleaner heart and mind, and that I am not a lost cause, because I have You to guide me.