So, here I am, blogging again. One year later. Still overweight, still in school, still overeating...blah blah blah.
The problem isn't that I can't lose weight, it's that I don't lost weight. I am consumed by the fact that I don't lose weight as fast as I think I should, or even as steady as I think I should. For that matter, I've been running for about two months now, and still have yet to lose a pound and keep it off. One would think that losing a pound wouldn't be that hard, considering how hard I'm working to keep it off, right? But the running isn't the issue. As a matter of fact, exercising isn't the issue. My state of mind is.
Now, we all have little secrets. Deep, dark, nasty little sins that we do in private. I spend my days at work fearful that I will get to be as big as some of my guests: spending my days eating anything "all you can eat" that I can get my hands on, and then eventually having to ride the mart cart at the grocery store because I can't physically walk through without getting out of breath, or worse. I look at those people and think "how did you let yourself get this big?" The problem with answering that question of course is that I have to come face to face with the fact that I am doing it right now: I am a binge eater. After the kids are in bed, and the lights are mostly out, I spend my evening shoving my face full of food. I eat until I am almost sick to my stomach, and on several occasions have resisted the urge to purge it all. I feel like I have no control over this. I feel like I am too lonely to do anything about it, too prideful to ask for help, and to sad to follow up with any help that would be given. The thing is, I do this to myself. That's how people (me included!) let themselves get so big. They let go of anything that is real and convince themselves that eating makes them feel better. They tell themselves that no one really cares if they are that big, and let themselves go.
In my situation, I tell myself that God doesn't really care how big I get, and that I am beautiful in his eyes no matter what. And while that is the case, I should also be aware that He gave me this body to take care of, to cherish, to hold at a high standard during my time on earth. I should also remember that gluttony is a sin. It is my secret sin, my personal sin. I cannot look at any other human and judge them--especially for those that are in the same boat as me. Who's calling the kettle black now, right? I also tell myself that no one else cares what I do to my body: my family, friends, or my kids. But what am I saying about our relationship in letting myself go? I am telling them that I don't really care about my time with them on Earth, and that to me it doesn't matter how long we have together--as long as I can get that next meal, that next snack, that next donut. But that isn't true! I want to be with them as long as I can!
I want to be free of this, which is why I am finally "coming clean." Sin is personal, it is something that we deal with on our own, something we each carry around inside us. Whether it is about weight loss, alcohol or treating others terrible, it doesn't matter. We each have that secret that we carry within us. I need to get rid of mine. I need to have my hand held, for someone to say "it's okay that you do this, but I want to help you do better," for God to fill me with His spirit, so that I can overcome a potentially disastrous situation and get control of this body God gave to me.
So, in letting out my secret, I am letting go of this issue. The first step is done. I have given it over. And now, I pray.
Please let your peace and love fill me, fill that void that I have allowed food to take over. Please bless those who have to deal with me, my judgement, my sin and my anger. Please let my family and friends know that I am trying, trying to be of a cleaner heart and mind, and that I am not a lost cause, because I have You to guide me.