It's funny how things can change from one day to the next. I realize (after talking to a great friend at length) that I am not defined by specific things or names, that I am not defined by what I do or who I will become, but by the things that make me up as a person. I am Janille, and all the awesome (or awful, lol!) things that go with that.
I am a mother. I am a single mother at that, and I am a good mom. I have two beautiful children, who are the light of my world. That means that however selfish I've been in the past, I put others before me now. I try very hard to make sure everyone has the best possible situation they can, and will do anything I can to help do that for them.
I am a waitress. While I don't have the best job in the world, and most of the time I don't like what I do, I know that there are things within that job that are me: I am helpful, smiling and caring. I do my best to do what I can when I can. And I have an incredibly good work ethic.
I am wishy-washy. This is one of my greatest faults. But this can also be a good thing. While it means that I can't make a decision to save my life, it also means that I am interested in everything and constantly wanting to learn more about everything I come across.
I am a Christian. While my faith is small and meek, I know that God is watching out for me. I am quiet in my faith, not sure how I feel about it, but knowing that church is important to me, and that it is where I belong. It isn't always how involved we are, but just following a path that makes the most of our efforts.
I struggle with weight loss. I am addicted to food, every kind of food there is. I love to bake, cook and create in the kitchen, but this is a burden when I am wanting to figure out what to eat to curb my cravings, and how to stop without going overboard. This is a problem I have been dealing with for a while.
I am a runner. However short lived this little venture is, for now I am a runner. I am giving my all, running at least 4 or 5 days a week, sometimes 2 miles, sometimes 3. I love it. I love the freedom and the ability to be alone with my thoughts--I get to work out that anxiety WHILE I am burning off the adrenaline from it.
Do I know where I am headed? Nope! Not a clue. But there is a list of things I want to do:
1. I want to lose weight.
2. I want to write a book. (Maybe this whole grad school thing was meant for me to be able to write said book with some credibility!)
3. I want to take a trip with my kids: just me and my kids. I have an irrational fear of losing my children that I need to overcome.
4. I want to meet someone that compliments who I am. I want to find someone who makes an effort to be with me. I am not actively looking, but I am available. One of my besties pointed out that I can't find anyone if I am closed off.
5. I want to live in a house. I don't necessarily need to own a home, but at least have some place we can start a garden, call our own, have a backyard, maybe even a deck.
6. I want to have a rewarding career. Not just some job I take because it makes more money. What good is busting my rear to get an education just to do another job I hate? No good at all!
That being said, I guess I do feel a lot better about things. Just a conversation with a couple of amazing friends, and I feel like I am more than what I thought I was. I understand more of what defines me and makes me "tick." Will I ever feel like I know exactly who I am? No, but I need to make sure I know what I am after in life before I take anything else on. :)