My Biggest Secret

So, here I am, blogging again.  One year later.  Still overweight, still in school, still overeating...blah blah blah.

The problem isn't that I can't lose weight, it's that I don't lost weight. I am consumed by the fact that I don't lose weight as fast as I think I should, or even as steady as I think I should.  For that matter, I've been running for about two months now, and still have yet to lose a pound and keep it off.  One would think that losing a pound wouldn't be that hard, considering how hard I'm working to keep it off, right? But the running isn't the issue.  As a matter of fact, exercising isn't the issue.  My state of mind is.

Now, we all have little secrets. Deep, dark, nasty little sins that we do in private.  I spend my days at work fearful that I will get to be as big as some of my guests: spending my days eating anything "all you can eat" that I can get my hands on, and then eventually having to ride the mart cart at the grocery store because I can't physically walk through without getting out of breath, or worse.  I look at those people and think "how did you let yourself get this big?" The problem with answering that question of course is that I have to come face to face with the fact that I am doing it right now: I am a binge eater.  After the kids are in bed, and the lights are mostly out, I spend my evening shoving my face full of food. I eat until I am almost sick to my stomach, and on several occasions have resisted the urge to purge it all.  I feel like I have no control over this.  I feel like I am too lonely to do anything about it, too prideful to ask for help, and to sad to follow up with any help that would be given.  The thing is, I do this to myself.  That's how people (me included!) let themselves get so big.  They let go of anything that is real and convince themselves that eating makes them feel better.  They tell themselves that no one really cares if they are that big, and let themselves go.

In my situation, I tell myself that God doesn't really care how big I get, and that I am beautiful in his eyes no matter what.  And while that is the case, I should also be aware that He gave me this body to take care of, to cherish, to hold at a high standard during my time on earth.  I should also remember that gluttony is a sin. It is my secret sin, my personal sin.  I cannot look at any other human and judge them--especially for those that are in the same boat as me.  Who's calling the kettle black now, right?  I also tell myself that no one else cares what I do to my body: my family, friends, or my kids.  But what am I saying about our relationship in letting myself go? I am telling them that I don't really care about my time with them on Earth, and that to me it doesn't matter how long we have together--as long as I can get that next meal, that next snack, that next donut.  But that isn't true! I want to be with them as long as I can!

I want to be free of this, which is why I am finally "coming clean." Sin is personal, it is something that we deal with on our own, something we each carry around inside us.  Whether it is about weight loss, alcohol or treating others terrible, it doesn't matter.  We each have that secret that we carry within us.  I need to get rid of mine.  I need to have my hand held, for someone to say "it's okay that you do this, but I want to help you do better," for God to fill me with His spirit, so that I can overcome a potentially disastrous situation and get control of this body God gave to me.

So, in letting out my secret, I am letting go of this issue. The first step is done. I have given it over. And now, I pray.
Dear Lord,
Please let your peace and love fill me, fill that void that I have allowed food to take over.  Please bless those who have to deal with me, my judgement, my sin and my anger.  Please let my family and friends know that I am trying, trying to be of a cleaner heart and mind, and that I am not a lost cause, because I have You to guide me.
Amen.

Starting Over

So, it's February.  And I haven't lost a single pound.  Well, I probably have, but I have also most certainly gained it back LOL.  This week alone has held the brunt of my frustration, as I am battling a bout of nausea associated with a round of steroids and antibiotics that were prescribed to me on Sunday.  Yay. Exercising is out of the question for the moment.  But that doesn't mean that I have to go all out and forget it...right?
And on a whim of magical inspiration, and at the invitation of a friend, I signed up for a 5k in May.  That's right, it officially (as of this date) 14 weeks and 1 day away.  Hmmm. I do have a C25k (couch to 5k) program on my phone which will come in handy (thank you Meagan!).
All I have to do is do it, right? Just jump right in and get going.  But that's a little harder than it seems on the outside.  I truly truly truly have an eating problem.  Not sure if it's hormonal (getting that checked out in a couple of weeks, as a result of the mess I saw the doc for this past Sunday) or emotional, and if it's the latter then maybe I will find help in "Women, Food and God," which I have just acquired as well.
Either way, this has to stop.  I have to put my foot down and tell it no. I have to look my food problems in the eyes, shake my finger, and give it a growl.  Because otherwise, I will spend the rest of my life starting over, at a higher and higher weight.  And that is never a good thing.

I know what I want....Now what?!?!

I haven't written in a few days.  That's okay, because life gets busy, and sometimes I forget that I am keeping track.  Whether it's Awanas, church, school, kids, friends, work, housework...oh, geez, doen't matter what it is--it keeps us busy.  So, where in there do I fit all the things I want? I made this ridiculously positive list of things I want, the first month is coming to an end, and I am still nowhere closer than I was at the beginning. 
Well, I guess I have to find time...so here we are backtracking again, finding time has to come before the other things.  And in a celebratory gesture of sorts, today I bought pre-made, store bought, corporation mixed laundry detergent. *Sigh.* But that is one of those things that takes up time I could be using on something else.  I have made my own laundry soap for about 8 months now, and while I like it, and it really only takes about 15 minutes to make, those are 15 minutes I could be walking, working out, or making a salad instead of a boxed snack. 
I also have to start being more proactive--getting my homework done by Wednesday, instead of spending the weekend time doing it.  Keeping up with the housework instead of going behind and picking up after everyone.  Making sure the kids' stuff is done before we do anything else.  Basically, stay ahead of the game, not playing "catch up."  There is no reason for "catch up." And laziness is it's only perpetrator (I love that word! lol). 
That being said, I also think I am going to go back to Weight Watchers.  It's easy to "watch what I eat," until I eat something bad and have no idea how to get back on track.  Hopefully, this will make me more aware of what I am eating and what I should be eating, etc.
And I'm gonna work out.
Really, I am.
If I do that, then I should be on my way.  Assuming I remember it all. Sheesh. :-)

Finding ME

This week has certainly taken me off the beaten path.  Stress, sickness and several other factors have pushed my diet to the wayside, leaving me behind to fend for myself.  I realize after the incidents of this week, that I have to be in a good place to lose weight.  I cannot feel like I want to cry all the time.  I cannot feel like I need to eat all the time.  I have to know who I am, what I want, and where I'm going.

Except, it's not really that easy.

That being said, I guess I am changing it up slightly.  One step each week.  Baby steps have fine-tuned themselves into pre-baby steps, LOL.  I need to start at the very beginning.  I am going to start a journal.  My goal this week is write down everything I want: the weight I want to be, the job (or kind of job) I want to have, the kind of house I want, where I want to travel, etc.  That has to be the first thing.  Then, all the ideas I have, the thoughts and fears I have about the future will be down on paper, easy to find, easy to access, understand, and most importantly, easy to get started on. No more gimmicks, no more crazy schemes, just simple life, to the point, without the stress involved now. 

At least one of the things that was on the list is already off: I am pretty sure we found a nice church to attend.  This last Sunday we attended service at St. Peter's United Methodist.  And it was fantastic.  Pastor Megan talked about the different types of anger, how God shows us how to deal with it, and that there are types that are okay--something I really needed to hear.  Eli was allowed to leave the service with the other school aged children to attend "Truthseekers," a special kids service during the sermon.  He LOVED it and can't wait to go back next week.  Everybody made us feel very warm and welcome.  I may have found my place there.

So, today I begin a new journey, not just about my weight, but about me, where I came from, where I'm going, and what I need and want.  Hopefully this is the best way to find ME. :)

Advice on Getting Fit...a.k.a. HELP!! ;)

So, I need some input on the workout situation...and some help/suggestions/advice on what is best/easiest/works well.  As we all know, I have two kids and I would love to be able to go walking.  My 6 year old is too old for a stroller, too young to stay at home by himself, but its too cold to have him go with me.  Even when it is warmer its difficult to go very far because he tires easily.  My daughter is 3, and I can put her in a stroller, but its too cold, and my stroller is a little umbrella one and not conducive to walking or running.
That being said, I like my walk at home workouts, but feel they are not difficult enough.  (I tried 30 day shred, and that was a little harsh for me lol).  Because of the kids being in tow, going to the gym isn't really worth it since it would spend more time just getting there than I would get out of it money-wise. 
Really, I need some suggestions.  We are moving in April to a bigger place, so I had thought about saving up for an elliptical after we move--since we'll have room for it.  Other than that, I got nothing! LOL  I would love some website suggestions, moves I haven't thought of, anything and everything that will help!! In advance, THANK YOU!!

Realizations...

There are days (like today) when I realize certain things about my life. Today I realized the following:
1. I don't like change.  But sometimes I have to.  Sometimes God gives me the biggest sign ever (like yesterday at what I hope will become our new church home) and I need to go with it. Do the things I need to do.  Go the places I need to go.  Buck up, sign up, join up, and follow through.
2. My current plan to make everything healthier for the kids is not going to work.  If I want to do things healthier than I am now, I am going to have to take the things I do now and make them healthier...not introduce an entirely new menu.  If I want spaghetti? Make my own sauce and use whole wheat pasta.  Chicken nuggets? Bread my own lean chicken breast, and make the ranch dipping sauce from scratch. So that game plan has to change enough to suit my needs, but keep in mind my children's tastebuds as well.
3. Working out is a lot easier when I set the kids up with breakfast and a movie before I work out.  I used to try to wake up early and do it, and rarely got around to it.  It's so much easier to just wake up when they do and then do it.  My breakfast never takes long anyway, but it takes them about 30 minutes to eat every meal (at least) so it's the perfect time to fit in some exercise (that's for you Mary lol).
4. I know why I eat so much: to push aside the things I don't want to think about.  Thoughts about what I don't have, the job I can't seem to get, the chores I can't get done.  These are things I constantly worry about, and I shouldn't. At all. Ever.  The things I don't have, I don't need (or I would already have them). And the way my life has worked out, is a lot better for what I have experienced and lived through.  I have two beautiful children, a home, a job, and I'm about to have my Bachelor's Degree.  I have great friends and family who love and support me.  In a nutshell, I have everything I need. And I'm grateful.
So, from here on out, I am going to remain positive, full force and on the ball.  I am going to have the things I want (not need) and will be grateful even when I don't have them.  I am going to work on the things that I need to do--school, working out, time with the kids.  But I am only one person, and I can't allow those things to worry me if they don't get done--housework will still be there tomorrow, and the laundry will too. 
And the best realization of all: I am one person, working hard, trying to make it by with a prayer and a plan.  It'll all come together.  God always makes sure it does. :)

What I Need...

So, the last few days have been rough, to say the least.  And this has to do with my emotions and how I'm handling them sans food.  I know there are things I need to do differently, being more patient, trying to find out why I feel this or that way, etc.  I also need more church...more God in my life.  I had the greatest thing happen yesterday as a result of this need...
I had emailed a church's secretary, this weekend, to discuss visiting the church and learning more about it.  She emailed me yesterday morning suggesting we just get together, since it was easier to talk in person about the ongoings of the church then it was to explain it through email.  I emailed her back, saying I was free this morning, and that I would love to just come to the church and meet with her if that was okay.  Later in the evening, my temper got the best of me, and lots of yelling happened.  I tend to take the slightest things personally, and have a problem separating my children's actions--their not-listening or not having manners--from a personal attack on me.  I feel like when they don't listen I am losing control of the situation, and have a hard time seeing it differently.  While laying in my room (Calming down from said temper) I started messing with my phone and checked my email.  At about 5 minutes before I checked it, the secretary had emailed me back suggesting I come at 10:30.  Perfect. It really couldn't have come at a better time.  That is what I need. 
In general, all of the uprising of emotions causes me to eat, to not be aware of how my body is taking the heat for my inability to keep my emotional duress in check.  Anything I can do to help even that out--whether it's work out more, eat less, attend church--just anything that will allow me to feel freer in my emotional states, more patient and deserving of what I do have, and more willing to give up what I don't have control over, I need to work on.  I need to realize that not everything is in my control.  I cannot force my children to eat.  But, in an effort to coerce them, I can involve them more in the cooking process.  I cannot force my children to sleep, but I can put them to bed at a decent hour, allowing them to relax until sleep finally takes over.  These are things I need to focus on, reflect on, hopefully build upon as the days go by.
This is what I really need.